.a.tradition.begins.

We started a new tradition this Christmas. From now on, anytime we have a family function (Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, the annual family beach picture, etc.), we'll have a single red Gerber daisy present to symbolize mama's presence. She loved Gerber daisy's...especially in her favorite color, "red," so we thought this would be a neat way to always remember her. Her daisy sat proudly on our dinner table on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Lisa and I are always talking about ways we can have our children know her...our Gerber daisy idea will hopefully be one of the many ways we'll keep her memory alive for us AND our future babies.

Speaking of babies...I'm not saying anything, but check out a few of the pics below and see if you can figure out Lisa's news. Hint: Christmas will be very different for us next year. ;)

We took a picture just like this about 13 years ago - same spot. I need to try to find that old pic. It's crazy how much has changed since we took the original picture.

.breath.of.heaven.

This Christmas is our first without mama. One of my new fav Christmas songs is "Breath of Heaven" by Amy Grant. I am especially fond of this song because the lyrics (especially the chorus) seem to perfectly explain my feelings this Christmas (and in everyday life in general since mama has been gone).

Breath of heaven,

Hold me together,

Be forever near me,

Breath of heaven.

Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy."

I've always loved Christmas; however, I was always very aware that this time of year wasn't great for everyone - I just never thought that I would be one of those people who dreaded the holidays. This Christmas has really been dreaded, but we'll get through it and hopefully have a better year next year - although, easier said than done. I honestly feel my life will always have a shadow hanging over it. All happy times will be bittersweet and never fully happy and good because mama won't be here to share them with me. At every happy moment, I'll stop and think about her and how much I wish she could be here...then, I'll be sad. It's just a horrible feeling...to have this emptiness inside of me. Lisa said it best when she told me she feels like a piece of her is missing. We're no longer whole people. We are just going through the motions of everyday life - never being too happy or excited about anything.

Sorry to be gloom and doom during Christmas. It sure is good to get it all out in writing though. =)

They say, time heals all pain. I guess we'll see.